its so much more exhilirating to look when you cant touch

i

really

need

to

stop

bitching

and

whining

about

everything

 

but i don't know what is wrong with me. everything just seems to intense for me anymore. everything has been great and then suddenly i'm no longer mentally stable. everything feels like it is falling apart. it's all my fault, too.

 

I'm not sure why I let myself slip so far before I decide to try turning around, but this time my body seems to resist. I slow down a little, but it's only a matter of time before I continue to follow the route I've been taking.

 

My mom's always telling me that God will never give me more than I can handle, but the urge to just give up is stronger now than it has ever been.

 

I think I need help.

 

But then I'll go without seeing the only thing in my life that gives me true happiness anymore.

 

I know that I need help.

 

But I just have to make it past the birthday party.

 

I'm just wondering how much lower I will sink until then.

its just too much.

i can't be in tears all day everyday.

i cant live like this.

 

i cant take lying to my family anymore.

i cant take living this way.

i cant take the stress that youre causing me.

 

i've already broken.

anymore it's just you and everyone else walking all over the pieces of me.

causing them to crumble, become smaller and smaller.

the smaller they get, the harder i struggle.

and i'm so close to giving up.

 

i wanna call it quits, throw in the towel.

i wanna dissapear.

i wish when i close my eyes, i'd open them to find myself invisible.

i dont want to be seen anymore.

 

i want to live in my dreams.

theres no sadness.

no anger.

no worries.

everything goes exactly how i want things to go.

and i'm perfect. my life is perfect.

 

i should be grateful for allt hat i have.

i sound like a selfish little girl.

i hate it all.

 

i am simply amazed by life, how we are created, how we grow, how we change, how we develope.

the world can be a very beautiful place, and i love it, and i love everyone. but i hate it all so much.

i want to tear it all down and shred it to pieces. Standing between old, tall, beautiful trees, looking down into the beautiful sea of water infront of me, and still in the back of my mind i can't help but to wish it was a barrel i was looking into.

 

i expect to much.

and i can't even live up to my own expectations.

 

i need a lot of help.

 

and i know you'll probably read this, i'm sure you've found this by now.

and that pisses me off.

i want privacy, and i don't seem to get it.

i guess i can't go complaining about privacy while i'm posting online,

but just because you have the ability to see all these things doesn't mean you have to.

sometimes, you creep me out.

and i'm sorry for insulting you.

but jesus man, you really know how to push my buttons.

 

i just wanna get better.

i wanna be better.

i wanna be perfect.

 

and i want to be left alone.

but i cant take being alone.

i thought i figured it out

but i don't know how to.

 

and if you really love me, like you swear you do

if you really wanted me to come back to you, like you say you want to badly

then why put me under so much stress?

intentionally or not, you know that you're doing it.

change.

change.

change.

 

you say you need time to prove to me that you can change.

you haven't changed.

you just say you've changed.

you haven't changed.

its been almost three months.

i see no change.

i see excuses.

 

i guess it shouldn't matter.

i doubt i will ever feel the want to be with you again.

and i definitely don't if its going to be like this forever.

 

i'm sure its probably me.

i'm sure i'm destined to be alone forever.

i cant seem to handle being mature.

and i over react at times.

but i'm fine with being alone forever.

that was a lie.

I have had about enough of this bullshit. I want to pull my hair out.

You are no longer my friend. You are no longer my family.

 

Go ahead, keep trying to put the blame on me.

It's always my fault.

It's always my fucking fault.

 

BUT I DIDNT SPEND 500 FUCKING DOLLARS IN ONE NIGHT ASSHOLE.

 

YOU ARE A FATHER YOU IDIOT I WAS COOL WITH THE FIRST THING, THE MORE ACCEPTABLE THING, BUT THE SECOND? AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID. HOW CAN YOU   BE SUCH A PEICE OF SHIT.

 

Ohh, and you feel like shit, becasue I'm being such a bitch.

I'M BEING A BITCH BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT SNAPPED AT YOUR DAUGHTER AND I ALL DAY.

I can't ask one simple question without being chewed out and called a stupid cunt, or pathetic, or whatever.

IN FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

IN FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTER WHOSE EYES ARE TEARING UP WHILE SHES HIDING HER FACE.

And that was all you, buddy. You made her feel like that.

Just like you did all day.

 

You're stressed?

I'm stuck with you for the next 18 years.

I'm stuck with a person who will never grow up.

You're 23 month old daughter is more grown up than you are.

But I need to grow up.

 

No, I just need to grow some balls and just fucking bail.

Like everyone thought I would.

But maybe they thought I would because they know how irresponsible and stupid you are.

It was a bad fucking idea moving in with you again.

A bad idea.

And I don't care how stupid it sounds, it's the truth.

You make me so angry that I can feel my veins screaming for a blade.

They want it as bad as a heroine addict going through withdrawls.

And I'm not even suicidal.

 

I guess I've just had enough of it all.

Push me a little more.

See if you like the outcome. 

 

 I'm so tired of fighting over absolutely fucking nothing.

I'm not sure why neither one of us can just accept the fault as our own and stop blaming eachother, but it's driving me nuts.

We are both adults now, well sort of, and we've got a child to set an example for!

 

 

Anyway.

Last night was complete fuckin bullshit for a while.

Originaly, the plan was to go campin with my buddies and get shitfaced, but someones boyfriend had to be a little drama queen and ruin it, so that didn't happen. Zach and I drove around doing nothing while I slowly got more and more intoxicated. We went to one of his buddies house for a kegger, nothin but sissy little boys with jeans tighter than mine. Awesome. 'cause that's the kind of crowd I wanna be around. Not even a minute after being there, I told Zach we had to leave, I couldn't do it anymore. All i wanted to do was slit their boney little wrists for them. Not to mention every girl in there appeared to be 14 years old, gotta love partyin with a bunch of hs freshmen. What a waste of a baby-sitter.

 

So we left. Then we decided to go to the bars, but I've never been.

had to run home to get my ID and shit and by the time we got htere it was already after 12, but we hit up spoco and 808, and I drank this stuff called washington apples. YUMMY. I didn't feel super smashed, I was just suddenly super duper freakin happy, which was good 'cause i was bitchy the whole time before that. I woke up this morning with a pretty badass hangover, so that sucked.

 

Trying to find a way to come up with another four hundred bucks for rent. Apparently 900 bucks a month for rent is just a little too much when your hours are getting cut, and you've got a two year old to feed. Dammit. And to think moving up here felt so great two months ago. I'm unsure of how things can go to shit so quickly, so I just put on a pretty little slightly yellow-teethed smile, and look positive. It always gets worse before it gets better, right?  Seems like the exact opposite.

 

 You can't ever have it good without something aiming to make your mascara run. That's why I don't wear any, 

Things have changed a bunch.

I'm nineteen now.

 

Zach (my daughters father), and I have broken up. Actually, a little over a year ago. We are living together again, as of two months ago, and it's sometimes awkward and generally a little complicated as far as seeing other people and such. I've also decided to take a six month break from seeing people, or just fooling around in general. So far I've gone just short of three months, and it's beginning to make me lose my mind.

 

It's hard to not want to be in a relationship when everyone and their mom has someone to hold on to at night, and I suppose it would be as easy as getting back together with Zach for me to have that again, but I want someone new. Someone who is nothing like all the losers I've been with before. I want someone who gives me butterflies so bad it makes me naseaus.

 

I actually started crushing on someone who made me feel like that, but as it turns out he's a total player with a girlfriend that he lies about. Definitely not the type of guy I want to end up with. I guess that's what I get for even considering a guy before my little six month vow to myself is up!  At least I didn't actually like him or anything, it was just a simple crush.

 

I want a hard working man, someone who's smart with their money, and has plenty of it. Everyone I know is a lazy bum that doesn't seem to know how to get a job and keep it! It's even more sad that most of the guys I know are at least a few years older than me, and yet somehow I've still got better work ethic than they do.  I'm actually surprised that they all have girlfriends, I don't know of any girl who has respect for herself with a complete couch-potato of a boyfriend. But maybe that's why we call them BOYfriends instead of MANfriends, because in order to be considered a man you have to have become self-less and thoughtful, hardworking and responisble, mature and respectful. Trust-worthy, even. And I've got yet to find a guy who is all those things, PLUS awesome in the sack Shit, my best lay was a guy who has never even begun to go anywhere with his life, and is now sitting in prision for god knows how long!

 

He was also the same boyfriend that used me, and used me, and used me. And all I did was keep believing in him, probably becasue after being used so much I had absolutely no belief in myself, but who knows. I will never figure that guy out. He was so hot and cold. He never worked, couldn't handle drinking (unless you wanted some sad little suicidle retard trying to off himself in your basement using a belt and a water pipe!), he went back and forth between his ex and I constantly, and oh! One morning, bout four AM, he drunk drove my car right into the side or someones house! DING DING DING, I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER! not.

 

Oh, but the guy after him was the icing to the cake. He led me to believe he wanted to be a family with my daughter and I. She loved him, too. He was there for us, always, until my money began to run out. He was the perfect one, I thought. Never jealous, had a good job, and he even had his own place.  I'm not sure what happened but he ended up pretty much living with me while he didn't have a job, living off of me, sucking me dry like a leech, just to leave in the end because I'm a "crazy bitch", at least he was kind enough to remind me that I put him through hell through our whole relationship.

 

Well, I'm not sure what hell is to him, but despite me being a supposed "crazy bitch", I also got up for two and half weeks straight to pick him up at six in the morning, drive for a half hour to drop him off at work, drive the half hour back to my house to get ready for work myself, drive another half hour to get to my job, where I would stay until bout 5:30 at night, I'd drive the hour it took my job to his to pick him up, then the half hour back to the town we lived in, with just enough time to make dinner for my daughter, give her a bath, put her to bed, do the dishes, and get into yet another argument with this loser because he apparently couldn't appreciate anything I was doing for him! After the couple weeks of never have a life because he needed a ride, I gave him the two hundred dollars to get his license back, and the money for a down payment on a car! I'm pretty sure I failed to mention the fact that I also paid his rent once, and spent plenty of money on him for other things as well.

 

I'm not sure what kind of girlfriend does that, but maybe I do deserve the "crazy bitch" title. I'm sure breaking his review mirror off his car was crazy, but not as crazy as him breaking mine, my left side-view mirror, rear-ending me on a street purposely infront of people, stopping traffic on a busy street so that he could back into me, then proceede to get out of his car so that he could punch my window over and over again infront of the cars behind me.

 

Yeah, the person responsible for him having a vehicle and a license must have been crazy. But a bitch? I'll tell you what a bitch is. A bitch is the guy who coninued to tell his girlfriend he loved her every night, after bashing her all day long to all his friends. A bitch is the guy who treats everyone around him like shit, and then expects the whole world to bow down to him and shine his fucking shoes. A bitch is the guy who is now with the nastiest girl in town, and everyone knows her name. She openly admitted that she whored herself out for money and drugs, and if you can look past aids and herpes, I'm sure she can ride a mean dick ;)

 

You know, after giving and giving to these worthless guys, I can say that at least they taught me one thing - Never give. Just take and take and take until the ungrateful bastard has nothing left to give. Afterall, the world is full of selfish pathetic liars, and together we can all make the world go round.

 

I started writing an insanely long post about a whole lot of stuff you wouldn't want to read.

Then I deleted it all.

 

Real quick, here's an update on myself.

 

I'm still engaged, a little.

My daughter is six months old tomorrow.

I've got a new job.

My birthday is in a month and a few days.

And I've got feelings for a girl.

 

The end.

You know, it's been a very long time since I've updated this thing. Over a year, actually. A lot has happened in the past year, a lot has changed.

 

For one, I'm older now. Happy late birthday to me. I'm also seeing someone new, and have been since March 22, 2006. His name is Zach. We also have a baby together. A daughter, actually. She's gorgeous. Her name is Ava, and I love her to death. She was born on the 18th of June, and she's perfect. Big blue eyes, just like her daddy. But she's got my chubby cheeks and button nose. Still trying to figure out if she's got red hair or brown, but either way she's going to be a knock-out when she's older..come on, she's my daughter.

 

I never wanted kids. But now I've got one, and I can't wait until we're stable enough for another. I'm so amazed by this tiny human being, it's crazy. Everyday she looks a little different, and I get a little sad when I think about how quickly she's growing up. But then she gives me one of her cute lil' gummy smiles, and I'm instantly filled with joy. She's just over a month old and already toying with my emotions.

 

I love her with all my heart. She has no idea how much she's helped me grow. I'm completely sober now, I even quit smoking ciggarettes. I needed to anyway, those things make you stink!

 

I think I'm done for now..I've got a baby to feed.

I'll deffinately be updating a lot more often.

 

:)

 

I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday, don't say maybe
Im just a teenage dirtbag baby like you

 

 

Yesterday I did nothing but get high the entire day. Well, after school. Jeremy picked Josh and Me up and Cody was in the car. So we went to my house to get my bowl and shit, and then we hit up the gravel. I was fucking retarded. I can't believe how fucked up I got. I usually never get like that. Then Later, Jeremy and I were bored so we went over to Cody's apartment and Josh (a different one) and Ronnie were there. So we smoked with them fer a little bit, and then we had to go pick up my sister at the middle school. She's into sports and shit.

 

Then later on, Jeremy called me and told me Zach was in town. Zach is like my big brother. Jeremy, Tyler, and I all lived with him for awhile. We have a lot of good memories together. So I had to smoke him up, because that's the polite thing to do. I found out that this weekend he gets to chill with the guys from Slipknot. Lucky Bastard. But it really was nice seeing him again. It's been awhile since he moved to Davenport and all. I told him he needed to get me the Silvertide CD fer a late birthday present, and I think he's going to.

 

I'm seriously thinking about dropping out of school. I know it's like, the dumbest thing I could do, but I don't have motivation to come anymore. I don't think I'm going to pass any of my classes, so I feel like theres no point.

More Later..

You hold a candle in your heart
You shine the light on hidden parts
You make the whole world wanna dance
You bought yourself a second chance

 

Concert is coming up.

I'm excited, I really am.

Just not today.

 

I feel like shit. Emotionally. I'm drained and I'm tired and I just want to smack somebody. I feel like a fat cow. Last Sunday I was down to 105.5 lbs, and today, this morning, I weighed in at like, 107 - 108. How do you gain three pounds in two/three days? It's bullshit. I'm such a fucking fatass.

 

Last night my mom asked me if I was bullimic. No, you fucking moron. Like I would beable to do that to myself? Just because I can make myself throw up easily doesn't mean I do it regularly. I just needed to last night because this patch is making me feel sick to my stomach anyway.

 

Clint called last night, asking if I had anything. Acutally, his exact words were You know anything about anything right now? And I was like, huh? And he was looking to smoke. So yeah, I told him I was planning on getting shit. But my guy didn't go through, so I had him find me some. Had to go to Lone Tree to get it, but it was worth it. You so owe me, Buddy.

 

Jeremy and I were getting kind of hot and heavy last night. Something that doesn't usually happen, because I choose to refrain myself from any form of sexual activity. You got lucky. Really though, I think I needed it. I was getting pretty tense. In other words, I was a complete bitch to everyone and anyone. Oh, but they're used to my phsyco-mood swings.

 

Went over to Cody's apartment yesterday too. His Girlfriend, Hollie, she's pretty cool. I like her a lot. She's sort of quiet though, sometimes.

 

Hm. Well..I think that's all I have to say fer now.

 Last night was amazing,  I could actually sleep. Know why? Because I got my period yesterday. Yeah, big deal. But it is, because I was having a really bad pregnancy scare. I've been pregnant before, so I'm always freaking out when my periods late, or when I just don't get it. Actually, I was planning on going home during lunch and taking a pregnancy test, but I didn't need to.

 I was really happy about my period for the first, I don't know..ten, twenty minutes. And then I remembered the cramping. And now that I know I'm not pregnant, I wish I never would have started my period. This shit sucks. Jeremy's always making fun of me, but it's not funny.

 

 I called Cliff last night. He's the guy that'll be my manager if I get the job. He told me that I should be getting a call from him next week so that we can set up an interview and all that jazz. He seems like a nice guy and all, but the whole time he was talking I couldn't help but wonder if his name was really "Cliffard". Like Cliffard The Big Red Dog. Then I felt stupid because I didn't pay attention to what he was saying. But he said he'd call me, and that I should expect to get this job. Yadda yadda..but I'm happy. Because I need it.

 

 If I get this job, Jeremy and I can have our apartment within the next two months. That'll be awesome.

 

Anyway. More later.

Happy Birthday To Me

So I'm 16 now, and I should be driving right-fucking-now. But of course, I'm not.

I'm calling Cliff tomorrow about the job. I'm not sure what to say, but whatever, I need to do it.

Yesterday I got my package from my dad. He sent me a 50 dollar money order, and two push-up without padding bras from Victoria Secret. And some Candy lip gloss from there too, so now I feel all sexy and shit.

Jeremy, Tyler, and I went and cashed my money order. It took forever because there were a lot of retards at the bank. I shouldn't say retards, I should say mentally-challenged, but I am just not that intellegent. It took me a second to remember that refering to them as retards is wrong. Sorry.

Anyway, then we went and smoked a ball of resy which tasted like shit, naturally. And so I was all high and decided to spend half of my money getting my nails done. You don't even know how weird that is when yer stoned. They would tell me to do shit, and everytime I'd be like "huh? oh okay". I felt so stupid. But that's because I am and I accept and embrace that fact.My Welbutrin helps me do that.

My Welbutrin also helps me not fucking sleep. I've been up since 2:45 this morning. Doing nothing but watching the same mother-fucking music videos over and over again. Because I couldn't find my mote, and I didn't wanna get out of bed to look for it.

But back to last night. I went to Claires to see if they had a crown I wanted. But I decided against it because I really think my moms putting one on my birthday cake for me today. So I got a Sash(?) that's pink and says "Birthday Girl" on it. Josh tells me I look stupid, but I don't care. It's my fucking birthday. Two years until I'm considered an Adult.

And then Jeremy and I went to Peking. I wanted to wait until today to do it, but I figured we were already up there so we might as well. We couldn't afford drinks, so we just drank water. And we still came up like, 25cents short. But our waitress was really nice and paid for it for us. So now I'm all out of money.

And now Josh is throwing shit at me. Joy. I will kill him.

But anyway. I feel all new and shiney because now I've got:
New Hair Cut
Fake Nails
Two new Bras
& New lip gloss

And Its like, 8 in the morning. I can't wait to see what else I get.

The Snocore concert is coming up! I'm all excited about that too. It's going to be so much fun. And Tyler is fo sho(...) getting that 8 ball, and Jeremy and I will be taking care of the green. Except I'm not sure Jeremy's car will make it to Chicago. I hope it does, because it's the most comfortable car we can take. And probably the only car.

Diet Tip: Small serving of Fat-free Chocolate Ice Cream w/ some chocolate syrup on top. It tastes really really good, and you get to splurge a little with the chocolate syrup.